Mindsets

By now you might have wondered why it has taken me a week to write my second entry.  Well, in keeping with the title of my blog, I determined not to hold myself to posting a certain number of entries or posting on certain days—more leeway gives me more freedom and less stress which is the goal!

Since I last posted, I have learned so much that it’s hard to know where to start.  I already have a file on my computer with several entry ideas ruminating in my brain.  Today’s entry is about a book that, next to the Bible, might just be the most influential book I’ve ever read.  It was recommended to me by a friend.  It just so happened that my nifty little Kindle arrived in the mail this week and even though I had no business spending any more money after our biggest spending Christmas to date, I found it extremely boring to stare at my Kindle with no books downloaded on it…kind of anticlimactic.  So against my own financial advice, I purchased my first e-book, and I’m glad I did because I’m not the same person that wrote a week ago.  And I’ve only read the first two chapters.

The life-changing book is Mindset: A Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck.  In her book, Dr. Dweck describes two basic mindsets that shape our decisions and how we view the outcome of those decisions.  The first mindset is what she calls the fixed mindset.  People with fixed mindsets believe that they are born with all the abilities and potential they will ever have and their life’s goal is to function within those abilities and avoid screw ups at all cost.  The second mindset is what she calls the growth mindset where you believe that, although you are born endowed with certain talents more than others along with a distinct personality, you alone have the power to determine your destiny by deciding whether to live safely within your natural abilities or to dare to venture out and explore your potential in other areas as well.  Life is about having fun while making mistakes and learning from them. 

Now obviously, if I believed I possessed the growth mindset, I would not be writing a blog about de-stressing my life.  So since I undoubtedly court (OK, you got me—we’re glued at the hip) the fixed mindset philosophy (I’m pretty sure Dr. Dweck’s been a bug on my wall since I was 4), I wanted to show you what I’ve learned about why my fixed mindset has been so detrimental to my well-being.  Before I do that though, I wanted to give you a little more detail about what actually goes through the mind of someone who has a fixed mindset.  See if you see yourself in any of these:

·         * They are satisfied sticking with tasks that require only their natural abilities because they don’t like their weaknesses exposed.

·         * They feel threatened by helpful critiques because the results of their efforts are a direct reflection of their individual worth.

·         * They are often perfectionists who take on only the tasks that they believe they can succeed in, often giving themselves higher goals while allowing no room for failure. 

When I take a long, hard, honest look at myself, these statements accurately describe me, and just admitting that on my own little corner of the internet is the first step in me breaking away from this crippling mindset.  Why do I say that it has crippled me?  Here are some ways the fixed mindset has affected my life.

1.         I have believed my whole life that my value lies in what I do, not in who I am.

This makes me want to cry it is so devastating.   From the time I was very little I began defining myself by my abilities—“I’m a great student; I’m a talented flautist, I’m able terrific organizer; I’m a gifted singer.”  If you think about each one of those, they still tell you nothing about who I was growing up.  They tell you what I did, but not who I was.   One can be a total schmuck and still be great flautist.  Was I honest, hard-working, loyal, loving, patient, trustworthy?  You see, because I defined myself in this way, I had to constantly maintain those abilities.  If I called myself a great student, I’d better get straight A’s.  If I called myself a talented flautist, I had to win principal chair in the orchestra.  If I failed to meet my own definition of who I was, I felt that I was losing my identity and that was a scary (and stressful) experience.  But if I strive to grow my character—who I am—then A+ or F, I can still be honest in school.  Principal chair or 3^rd chair, I can still be trustworthy and show up to each practice.  A pristine bedroom or not, I can still work hard to keep it as clean and organized as I can while meeting my other obligations.  Not meeting specific achievements every time doesn’t attack who I am at my core and so I have the mindset to grow from each experience.

As a Christian who loves my Savior deeply, I want to constantly look at each question along my journey through the lens of God’s Word to me—the Bible.  I Samuel 15 tells us about the spiritual downfall of Israel’s first king—King Saul.  I Samuel 9:2 tells us that Saul was “a choice and handsome man, and there was not a more handsome person than he among the sons of Israel; from his shoulders and up he was taller than any of the people.”  But when Saul disobeyed God’s specific instructions, he was removed from his position as king and the prophet Samuel was sent by God to find his replacement—David.  The youngest of eight brothers, David was overlooked as God’s chosen one.  As Samuel was eyeing the oldest, handsome brother, God reminded Samuel in I Sam 16:7, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees for man looks at the outward appearance but the LORD looks at the heart.”  In a world where beauty and position mean everything, God defines me by who I am inside.  And that’s how each of us should define ourselves.

2.        My mood alters depending on the result of my actions—if I succeed I’m happy; if I fail I’m devastated.

Because I have defined myself by my abilities, when I fail my very identity is threatened, and I react violently—I may quickly defend myself unwilling to hear advice; I may lash out in anger, taking my annoyance with myself out on someone else; I may begin to withdraw, feeling inadequate; I may scare myself out of ever trying again—all of these producing huge amounts of stress.  On the other hand, when I reach what I believe is my potential, I feel validated, secure, confident.  When I feel this way I treat people (and myself) better.

The big problem with this?  We are not perfect, and we don’t live in a perfect world with perfect people.  So when my house is a disaster again, it’s because my kids will be kids.  When I don’t get an A on a test, it’s because—here it comes—I’m not a perfect genius without flaws and I don’t know everything.  And I may have not had the time to study for an A because I had other important responsibilities to tend to.  The whole world doesn’t stop just because I’m in school!  When I spill hot cocoa mix all over my pantry floor, it’s because mistakes happen.  When someone says something that hurts me, it’s because people don’t always think about what they say before they say it (including me) and can often hurt people without even realizing it.  Forgive and move on.  It’s not a reflection on you.  

So what is Scripture’s view on this?  Paul tells us in Philippians 3:7-10, “But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Low, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings being conformed to His death.”  Paul had every reason to boast—he had followed all the Jewish traditions; he was a native Israelite and born in an elite tribe; and not only did he keep the Law perfectly, he was a teacher of the Law.  And yet he said none of it counted for anything in view of the value of knowing Christ and being conformed to His image.  

Everything that happens in my day is a test—will I value my character over my abilities?  So when my kids leave mud tracks on the floor, I can either say I’m a bad housekeeper that doesn’t keep up with the dirt or I can clean it up when I have the time, with patience and joy.  When I don’t get an A on a test, I can either let it strip away at my feelings of self-worth, or I can be diligent in studying the best that I can, doing everything as unto the Lord.  When I spill food all over my floor I can call myself a klutz, or I can exercise restraint and instead thank God that I have food in my pantry.  When someone says something to hurt me, instead of taking deep offense, I can choose to let it go.  The first response shows that I place my value in what I do and how well I do it; the second shows that I place my value in my inner person—that I place value on using each and every opportunity to grow more like Christ.  

3.        I realized that I’ve been lying to myself about my motives.

As a perfectionist, it’s very easy to take offense when people give me any kind of advice or critique because essentially they are saying I am not perfect (how dare they?).  Since I often get upset with others when they point out my flaws, I explain my disappointment by saying that I am just a people-pleaser and that’s why it’s so hard to hear criticism.  For the first time in my life, I’ve realized what a load of crap that is.  I have told myself and others that I am a people-pleaser when in fact I am far less concerned about pleasing people as I am about saving face.  When I please people I look good.  When I don’t, I look bad and that’s a perfectionist’s hell.  And you know what horrible trait I have realized has taken root in my soul with the cool façade of “perfectionism”?  PRIDE.  

God has a few things to say about arrogance.  Proverbs warns us that “pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling.” (Prov. 16:18)  Paul gets even more poignant, admonishing us to “do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”  (Phil. 2:3-4)

4.        I live in constant fear of failure and that fear paralyzes me from enjoying the journey that is life. 

Dr. Dweck reveals a unique distinction in the mind of someone with a fixed mindset.  Since they tend to place their value in their accomplishments, when they fail (and I fail a lot) they do not say that they have failed but rather that they are a failure.  You see, the first describes them; the second defines them.  And after you’ve been defined as a failure a few times in your life, you begin to fear it like nothing else.  This results in your losing the drive to take any risks, live life to the fullest, and enjoy the learning process.  How can you seek to learn when you might fail in the process?

The command to not fear is the most-repeated command in all of Scripture.  Isaiah 41:10 sums it up well: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”  Psalm 27:1 says, “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The LORD is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?”  I love that last verse!  The LORD, not my accomplishments or lack thereof, defends my life!  My life has worth because the LORD says it does, and when I step out in faith to try something that I just may fail at, He is there to light my way.  I may not always succeed, but I can always grow.

I’ve talked a lot about the fixed mindset, but let’s look now at its counterpart—the growth mindset.  The growth mindset believes that failing is not an end in and of itself but rather a chance to grow and become a better person which is of much more value than perfection.  Someone who puts themselves in positions where they always achieve their goals is probably not someone who is stretching themselves.  Someone with a growth mindset says that their worth is not in their accomplishments but in their willingness to learn and grow.  They love challenges because challenges mean opportunity for growth.  Because they don’t see failure as something to fear, they strive for new and exciting ventures and when they hit a bump in the road, they’re more than willing to listen to helpful advice about how to do it better.  Overall, people with a growth mindset believe that their willingness to learn, not their perfection, is directly related to their success in life.

I cannot tell you enough how absolutely freeing this was to me.  The power to be de-stressed lies in freely choosing a different mindset.  With a growth mindset my potential is up to me.  Something I’ve always tended to believe is that the way I was born is the way I am and the way I will always be.  Born stressed-out, always a stressed-out.  Born a perfectionist, always a perfectionist.  Born short-tempered, always short-tempered.  Born with moods with a swing that would impress a monkey, always a mood-swinger.  But we don’t have to live the life we’ve always lived.  In fact, when we become a Christian, II Corinthians 5:17 tells us that we become a “new creature; the old things [have] passed away; [the] new things have come.”  Now that’s some good news for a perfectionist!

As I was thinking about these two different mindsets, I asked myself, “Does the person with a growth mindset just smile as they go on failing?  Do they even desire to achieve anything?  Are they using their mindset as an excuse for laziness or shoddy work?”  But as I thought about this for a few days, I realized that having a Type A personality doesn’t mean will automatically achieve more nor does having a Type B personality mean you will fail more.  In fact, it might just mean the opposite.  Despite the personality you were born with, you will fail at some point in your life.  The difference between a person who chooses a fixed mindset versus someone who chooses a growth mindset is not in how much they fail, but in how they respond to their failures.  In the face of failure, the fixed-minded person will coil back into their comfort zones while the growth-minded person will strive for learning how they can fail less the next time around.  Both can be hard-working; both can be achievers; both can set goals; but only one will enjoy the ride.  

So I’ve asked myself, with all this wonderful information, what will I do from here on out to change who I am?  How will I go about changing my mindset from a fixed one to a growth one?  Here are some goals I have set for myself.

1.        Try new things even when—and maybe especially when—I don’t think I can do them well.

This will help me get used to failing more and give me great opportunities to react to failure differently.  It will also help me in that nasty, less-than-attractive pride area.

2.        Ask myself every time I fail, “How can I learn from this failure?”

This will help me to look at the positive side of failure—it’s a chance to grow.

3.        Be open to helpful criticism.

The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about making wise decisions and makes it pretty clear that it’s nearly impossible to do on your own.

Proverbs 12:15  “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”

Proverbs 15:22  “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”

Proverbs 19:20  “Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days.” 

4.        Evaluate my past failures and figure out where I went wrong.

It’s easy to look back on the past and remember how I was hurt or wronged.  I’m always my strongest supporter in a disagreement with another person.  Embracing a growth mindset has allowed me to start looking at past failures, especially in relationships, and ask what part I had in it and how I can be a better wife, mother, and friend in the future.

5.       5. Strive to teach my kids the value of having a growth mindset.

Since my son is a male carbon copy of myself, I realized that if I don’t start modeling the growth mindset, he just might grow up to be just as stressed-out as I have become, and I don’t want that for him!  I starting asking myself honest questions like:

·         Do I praise his accomplishments more than I praise his character?

·         Do I get frustrated with him when he isn’t 100% perfect?

·         Do I give him room to fail?

·         Do I respond to his failures as opportunities to teach him valuable life lessons?

Little kids are often asked by adults, “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”  Typical kids’ answers might be “a princess” or “a firefighter” or “a pilot” or “an artist”.  Are we placing more value on what the child accomplishes in their life when we ask this question?  Imagine if we asked our children, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?”  In other words, “What kind of person do you want to be?  What kind of character do you want to develop?”  Maybe if each of us fixed-minded people asked ourselves that same question we just might come up with a whole new game plan on how we actually want to live out the rest of our lives.